This past Sunday afternoon, my husband took the kids out for those few, last minute back-to-school things.
Suddenly, for the first time in weeks, I had space.
I took to the kitchen, canning the salsa I’d made 2 days before, anticipating how much we’ll enjoy the spicy taste of summer once we’re knee deep in snow.
And roasted pumpkin from a plant that – much to my children’s delight – volunteered in the decorative border surrounding our veg and cut flower beds.
That pumpkin will go in the freezer for our Thanksgiving pie.
As I put away the gifts of summer, I experienced the type of gratitude that can only be lived. That deep sense of “just being” that defies my feeble attempts to describe it.
Right alongside that gratitude, I also felt something else – profound, non-negotiable fatigue. I’ve had this same feeling every Fall since we started this farm. In previous years, I interrogated it. A LOT.
How come this happens every fall? Should I change my diet somehow? Does it mean my chronic immune problems are flaring up again? What if I can’t finish the farm’s fall work?
This year, I’m trying something different.
This year I’m acknowledging that most folks working seasonal jobs feel fatigued about now.
That most mothers are equally exhausted from the back-to-school gauntlet.
And that even if my autoimmune conditions do flare up – as they no doubt will – I’ve been down that road before. I know how to walk it and how to reach the other side.
In other words – what If I choose to acknowledge that this is us? This is the truth of existence.We are joy and satisfaction and grief and pain – sometimes all in the same moment.
So here is my hope for you today.
If you’re so exhausted you’re not sure how to navigate the next hour (let alone the next week!), may you rest in the knowledge that you are not alone.
If you’re in so much pain you want to crawl outside your own body, may you find something that – even for a moment – provides you shelter.
If you’ve lost something you think you can’t live without, may you receive support that doesn’t require you to “be strong” or “find the bright side” but instead walks quietly alongside you as you go.
May we not let the feeling of deep gratitude deceive us into thinking we’ve “won.”
Nor feelings of deep pain or fatigue deceive us into thinking we’ve lost.
May we experience life as it is.
And may that be enough.
About the Author:
Cate Crawford and her family own Lyndaker Farms, an online peony farm and retailer located in Salisbury Center, NY. Cate also lives with autoimmune disease and writes about farming with chronic illness at “The Chronic Gardener” on Substack.
Article published October 19, 2023.
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